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✅REMEMBER (the easy one)

If you remember something, you basically bring people or events to your mind; not to have forgotten. Remember can be used transitively with an object or intransitively without an object. It is often used with to + infinitive and with when- where- or that-clauses. (I won't go into the difference between REMEMBER +ing/inf.... that's very basic stuff): 
👉🏻 My darling, do you remember the time we were romantically lying on the grass in the English meadows when we got attacked by a rabid bull?
👉🏻 Do you remember when we first met? Because I don't.
👉🏻 I can't remember where I put the keys to the bathroom! Ah, doesn't matter. Too late now anyway. 
👉🏻 Will you remember to buy me flowers for my birthday and not a power-drill next time, my husband? 
👉🏻 Sarah remembered that she had ordered a five buckets of KFC and suddenly cheered up. 

❤ Sexy common collocation: 
👉🏻 If I remember rightly....(didn't you use to be a man?)
👉🏻 I can't quite remember to be honest!

✅REMIND

When you remind someone, you make them remember whatever it is. Thus, remind is a transitive verb which may be followed by to + infinitive or a that-clause:
👉🏻 Please remind me to return the dead hamster back to the pet shop so we can get a refund. I only have a few days left before the receipt is void.
👉🏻 I reminded everyone that our company policy insists on staff coming to work in more than just pants and socks. 
👉🏻 I shouldn't need to remind you to be at work every day at 5am on the dot. Not a minute later! (❗I shouldn't need to remind you is a common set phrase when warning someone)
👉🏻 Let me remind you: I'm the boss here, not you! (❗ Let me remind you is a commonly used rather aggressive phrase to warn someone)

When you say that somebody or something reminds you of something, you associate it with a memory from your past: 
👉🏻 You so remind me of my mum; hence why you can't be my girlfriend.
👉🏻 Doesn't walking around Выхино remind you of our trip to Afghanistan?
👉🏻 Would you be so kind to remind me of your name once again so I can write our 10th wedding anniversary card?

❤ Set phrases:
✌🏻 I shouldn't need to remind you...
✌🏻 Let me remind you...
✌🏻 Remind me one more time!
✌🏻 What does that remind you of? (maybe looking at a picture)
✌🏻 Please remind me before I forget! (Or: ... so I don't forget)

✅ RECALL + RECOLLECT
The differences between these two words are very small indeed and in most cases can be used interchangeably. They both mean to remember a fact or situation from the past. But if I were to be a pedantic English gastarbeiter, I could make the following distinctions:
1) Recollect is a little more formal and less frequent in its usage
2) Recollect may require a deeper thought process (debatable)
3) The noun form of recollect (recollection(s)) is much more common than the noun of recall (recall)

❤ Recall is best learned with set phrases:
👉🏻 I seem to recall that you were against having pets at home so why did you get a hamster?
👉🏻 As far as I can recall, you have had 20 holidays this year. You're fired!
👉🏻 I distinctly recall telling you not to shop at Diksi! Why did you then?

We can often replace the formal recollect with remember which would be more natural:
👉🏻 As far as I can recollect (remember, recall), your name is Elizabeth... the 2nd. 
👉🏻 Can you recollect (remember, recall) the events of that night? 
❗ This could be a common question asked by the police during an interview
‼ Do you have any recollections of the event? (we wouldn't use the noun form of recall here)
👉🏻 I suddenly recollected (remembered) that I had left my wallet on the train. Hopefully when it arrives in China, they'll send it back.

So guys, if this headache isn't enough, have a look at the other meanings of recall and recollect:
👉🏻 Due to a fault in the manufacturing process, Toyota had to recall all their cars. (= to call back to the factory)
👉🏻 Much to the surprise of everyone, Ronaldo was recalled to the national team after being told three years before that he wasn't good enough. (= included back into the team)
👉🏻 The soldier took a deep breath and recollected himself then charged towards the enemy. (this is from: to collect oneself = to regain your composure)


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